I Always Remember The First Time

It's a selfish act sure. Especially when one is not of the age of majority. But...

 I think I told y'all this story before? I'm sure I did. It oft times flashes into my memory for some reason perpetually, throughout the years I have sat and pondered over it. The more times I revisit it when it pops up, the more it starts sharpening. Anyway...

I was a freshmen or a sophomore at Crispus Attucks High School in Indianapolis, Indiana. I've always been depressive. My self diagnosis with modern jargon: dx, bipolar disorder. My shit swings Yo! God damn! But over these many 57 years I've kind of learned how to catch that shit and say, "I see you! Calm yo ass down!" But what that shit's about, I'm still trying to figure out ever since high school. God damn! Anyway... Like many times before, for some reason, I wanted to go! I hated this life! Hated this muh fuckah! Oh! Anyway...I got home one day from football practice. Ate. Then this mood came over me. I started looking around my room, something told me to throw all of those track medals, trophies...away. Done! Something told me to throw all of those football awards and trophies away. Done! That was all I cared about at the time. Now, thrown the fuck away! Now, how am I going to do it? I mean the library was your best bet, cause our asses were broke, didn't have any Encyclopedias around no shit like that. The Internet? Please!... But I was going to figure the shit out! I want out!

Then I heard a knock on my bedroom door,

"Meredith?"

Yes, Mommy?

She opened the door halfway, her left hand on the doorknob still and her right side halfway being visible. She looked at me pitifully and said,

"Meredith. I don't know what I would do if you did something to yourself. Okay?" she nodded.

'Okay, Mommy.' and I nodded back to her multiple times, understanding. Straight busted!

She casted her eyes down, paused, looked like she was going to say something else but instead just closed the door behind her.

I'm thinking,

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How the fuck did she know!?"...

Ever since then I've become an astounding non-depressive

Actor around 

Every-fucking-body even my Wife and my Daughter!

Cause when you're going to do it!?

Just fucking do it!

But before you do it, think of the ugliness 

Once done!...

Just suggesting?

Other than that!?

Smile muh fuckah

And be of muh fuckin good cheer!

Cheers!...

(Peace! More to come...)