He really didn’t know what he would do if she left him. He had not a clue. He had heard from an elderly person a profound statement. he was just sitting with the man conversing with him and being interested as hell, he loved talking with elderly people, they had so much knowledge and so many stories. “Boy let me tell you,” he started, “ You hear all that noise, ‘ya’ marry a woman because you can live with her.’ I say damn all that...”, as he stopped to catch his breath having the nasal cannula perpetually inserted into both nostrils and the oxygen tank that went with him connected to the long hose which led to the cannula lugging around and behind him when he sat or walked, “...yeah damn all that. Ya’ marry a woman because you can’t live without her. Ya’ see what I mean son? Shit you can live with anybody if you want or had to. But can your life continue as it is without that woman in your life. Ya’ see what I mean?” As he took another long breath as to steady himself. Shit he knew exactly what that old man had told him. He was looking at the woman every day. Living with her. He had not a clue what he would do without this woman. He did not believe he could live without her. He was sure he would just wonder through the rest of this life in a perpetual daze until he expired. Oh, he loved her. Loved her stupid. Oh, loved her so much, if she told him she did not want him any longer and she wanted to move on, he would certainly let her go without any hesitation. That is how much he loved her. If she wanted to move on with another individual that would be fine by him. He would not be able to eat subsequently for maybe half a year or more then the daze would start, he would hope. He didn’t think he could live this life without her in a functioning manner. A zombie would be the closest to his lifeless body. But he would let her go. That was love. That was unconditional, pure love. He would not make it hard for her to leave. He would still be there for her. But, he would let her go. Just so she would be happy.
He had heard motha’ fuckas’ talking all that noise about if their woman left them for another man they would shoot the ‘bitch’ and the ‘nigga’, “Ya, know what I’m saying?” would be their last statement and he would always tell them, “no!” They would look at him with a quizzical look and he would continue, speaking the old mans knowledge to the motha fuckas, “Ya, see brah. That ain’t love. That’s obsession. That’s controlling. That’s for selfish reasons not love reasons. That act would be all about you not about the woman. So a relationship is nothing more than your feelings not the woman’s. So, shit, you are not in a relationship, you, then are in a master- pet-relationship. If you love that woman you let her go. Now, that’s real. Let her fucking go and let her flap her wings. Set her free with not a hint of negativity. And if you see her subsequent to the relationship being dissolved you respect her enough to speak to her and who she is with and smile with not a hint of jealously in your soul or exterior. Smile because you are happy for her. Rejoice because you had time that you had spent with her. Now that is love. Pure love. Amen.”
“That’s bullshit,” would usually be the response.
“Is it now?” was always his with a wry smile on his face and ending the conversation by raising his eyebrows and addressing the person once more, “Good talking to you!” Oh he wouldn’t feel good about it at all, the relationship ending but if that is what made her happy then so be it. All he ever wanted for her was to make her happy and to see her happy. If he was not making her happy then by all means let her move on. She never did understand that part of him. He realized that. She would look at him as though he were some foreign person she had not yet met when he would tell her certain things, “If I ever fail to make you happy in this life please move on. I just want you to be happy,” or, “If I disappoint you in any way I would understand if you needed someone other than me.” He would be so sincere in his words. He never thought he deserved her. She had this inner light within her which beamed constantly but not to the radiation which it could which he found absolutely breathtaking. Oh, she experienced other men, he was sure of that, but he never asked and never wanted to know about her past relationships. “Why don’t you ever ask me about my past relationships? And when I try to give you some insight you say you really think I should keep those things to myself. Why do you do that?”
“Del listen,” he began, “ the most significant word in past relationships is the first. Meaning they are in the past. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I don’t care about you but why do you think I do not divulge information about my past relationships? I do that for the same reason I just told you, they are in the past. Does that make sense or should I explain more?”
“Please, if you would James. I am trying to understand really I am. I don’t see any harm in sharing our past relationships or not because they are in the past. They do not make a difference now.”
“Exactly. My point exactly,” he said to her.
“I guess I missed something. It is almost like you are talking in some kind of hidden code,” she said not upset but in a genuinely confused tone. She knew He would explain himself very thoroughly, that was one of the qualities she loved about him: patience and conciseness. She guessed that was two of the qualities she loved about him.
They were walking and talking. As always, getting to know one another. Their hands, usually when they walked together, holding one another. He had squeezed a little and released the pressure as if to say , stay with me on this.
“Del, what I have found with people and even within myself, is that all of us carry way too much baggage. Especially when we deal with another person in a relationship. What I have found to be true, my truth, is we base our existing relationship on all the other relationships we have been in. That in my opinion and in my truth is wrong...”
“So what are we supposed to do? Purge everything we have ever experienced in our life or in relationships in general and like when we are born become a tabula rasa all over again?” she said releasing his hand to gesticulate a little with both hands making her point. Reached again and took his hand in hers as they continued to walk.
“Touche,” he smiled at her and she smiled back, “Now I will explain myself.” he said and continued to smile and she smiled back and said, “Please do handsome,” as she took her off hand and squeezed his bicep as she moved close to him and put her head briefly on his shoulder, “Okay continue. I will not interrupt again, I promise.”
“Oh Del,” he said and lovingly kissed her softly on the forehead. “All I am saying is this, When one is in a relationship with another person one must not think of past relationships which will eventually lead to them comparing their most recent relationship with their past relationship or ‘ships. Which, I believe, is not fare to the person with which they are having a relationship presently. You see whenever we compare an individual to another in a past relationship, like how they are treating you or how they speak to you or even getting sexual with penis sizes or breast sizes...”
“What? I’m sorry James you threw me off with that last statement. What does that have to do with the price of butter?”
“I thought you said you wouldn’t interrupt me until I explained fully?” he asked rhetorically smiling all the while.
“Hey. Shoot me. I’m human. You’re the one that got on dick and titty sizes.” she said having fun with it.
“I know but it is all for a reason, trust me,” he said to her as he played with it too.
“And so I will. I promise I won’t interrupt again.” She said as if she was a child looking down and swinging her arm which made his arm swing also.
“Like I was saying,” he looked down at her playfully and he knew she knew he was looking at her. She just kept her head straight with a smile and jabbed him playfully in his side, prodding him to continue. He laughed out loud and began, “As I was saying, when one is comparing PENIS sizes or Breast sizes, Uh, um...” he looked down at her again to play with her about her use of the non P.C. words for the human anatomy. She jabbed at his side again and both of them laughed loudly in the crisp night air. (to be continued...)
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