Male Citizen, 2001

The most troubling thing I have encountered to date is for me to love a woman and she does somethings that are irreversible. Putting me in the position where I cannot begin to try to patch things up nor make the things she has done manageable. Things that have been taken to a whole nother level and she has given me no other choice but to say goodbye, forever. Things that I cannot forgive or forget. Crossing the lines, the boundaries that should have never been stepped over. Not my choice, but totally hers. It would be different if I were culpable in some facet but how can I be if she did not include me in the decisions that she has made and carried those said decisions out, without any input from me? I have heard people say, "You made me do it," then give some type of sorry rationale of why they did the things that they did. How can I ever make another do anything if I am not even in the negotiations or folly? How? If one knows what another has told them about one's threshold, one's boundaries and consequences when another oversteps those demarcation lines, what does one actually think the other should do? Think for some reason the other loves one so much that what they tell them is all horse-pucky? Then what happens to one? What happens to me as an individual? Where is my respect of myself if I stay? And if I do then I will be forever grasping for what I have lost due to my unaccountability to my own life. But what accountability does she have then? Must I carry the weight for as long as I am with her for her misdeeds and infidelities? What be me then? I do not want to become an enabling enabler. How does that help the one who I hath said carries thine heart? A heavy laden heart. I am left with only one choice to save myself because she is not my lifeguard any longer. No, just like all the rest that have been sirened by the whimsical ocean of life, I must say goodbye to her, as she is carried out amongst all the rest. And I with only a few looking longingly from ashore.