Sylvester Stallone is a Fake Ass Italian (Thirty-Nine Years Old, Anthony Faglia, Indianapolis Italian Restaurant Owner, Speaking To His Thirteen Years Old Son) 2015

Fuckin America.  I fuckin work for ah fuckin livin.  Sicilian trew an' trew.  All we know is tah work.  D'en d'is guy.  We have it hard enough yah know?  Callin 'im: "The Italian Stallion,"  Rocky Balboa, "The Real Italian," "The Real Deal Italian," ...the fuck!  Yah know?  My Father, Sicilian.  My Mother, Sicilian.  The fuck?  D'is guy, fuckin fourth or at best one d'ird Italian, you know?

Fuckin Jew, that's what he is.  Ain't no fuckin real ass Italian no fuckin Jew!  The fuck?  Look at me.  Look at me?  Yah understand Ant'ny?  Ain't no fuckin real Italian no fuckin Jew!  Catholic?
 You bet!  A fuckin Jew...fahgetahboutit!  Dat's fah da movies.  Fuckin Hollywood!  Capisce?

I'll Suck A Dick And Fuck A Man In The Ass... But Don't Call Me, Black! (Twenty-Two Years Old, Homosexual, Matthew Thames, Dark Skinned American, Professional Rookie Football Player) 2014

What?  Yes, I heard you.  Am I an African American?  What does that have to do with the reason I’m at this microphone?  I’m sorry?  Oh, I understand.   All I have to say is, yes, I am gay.  What?  Really?  That age old race question again?  I know I have a darker complexion.  I just choose not to, that’s why.   Listen, my great, great grandfather was white. His nationality?  German, one hundred percent.  I consider myself mixed, not Black.   

Listen, I am not Black.  I just love men.  Period.  Please don’t call me Black.   

I'm an American gay.

The Fair Ain't Never Been Fair (Ninety-Two Years Old, Cleetus Jenkins, Natchez, Mississippi) 1992

We weren't ever allowed in the damn place.  The present day, I see niggahs just traipsin their happy asses in the festivity and I just shake my head.  How soon we forget with our Black asses.  Back in the day, the county fair was the main location to shop and buy a niggah.  Shit.  I've asked so many niggahs, "How many Black farmers have you seen in any county fair?  State Fair?  Yeah that's what I know, zero!  Have yah evah wondahed, why that is?"  They look at me all blank faced like I'm the one that has said or did something dumb.

But we are a funny bunch.  We will forgive and forget anything...for a good ass time.  Uhm!  Just some sorry asses fo sho!  Ain't learned shit with our ignant Black asses.  Still back peddlin; and that ain't no good thang at all.  

No, I reckon it's not.

Advice To Lil' Dicks (Twenty-Six Years Old, Broke Black Prophet, Basic Training, Bravo Company-Big Foot Platoon (Fort Knox, Kentucky))1992

"All right lil dicks," Drill Sergeant Ingram began, "Six weeks in, it's time for us to have an important discussion.  So listen the fuck up!  Very...carefully. I don't fuckin love yah!  I don't fuckin care bout cha!  Not personally anyway.  As long as yah doin your fuckin job, soldering, when you are s'posed tah be doin it.   I, nor anyone else in this here United States of America's Army is goin tah fuck with yah.  I guarantee that.  If you are a fag...I don't give a rat's ass, as long as you're doin yo damn job first, soldiering.  But we don't have any fags in this platoon?  Do we lil' dicks," Drill Sergeant looked around the room at all of us after the rhetorical question, "Let me just make sure.  If you are a fag, raise your hand.  We all have our freedoms.  This is America damnit!  So, raise your goddamned hand if you are a fuckin fag!"  Again Drill Sergeant panned the room looking as if he were going to see a hand or two going up at any time.  But he didn't.  "Very fuckin good lil dicks!  Outstanding!  If you are and you didn't raise your hand, good for you.  Ain't nobody's business.  Yah keep that shit to your damn self.  Don't need one of you mother fuckers tryin tah be a hero or some shit bout "comin out".  This shit is about a brotherhood.  And I don't know about you but while out there soldierin, I don't need to worry about someone in that brotherhood tryin tah fuck me!  Do you understand me lil dicks?"

"Yes Drill Sergeant!  Who-ah!"  We all yelled out.

"Ya learnin lil dicks!  Ya learnin!  Out-fuckin-standing!  Maybe one of these days you'll be a big dick like me," Drill Sergeant said with a smile.  We all chuckled and got back into our military baring.  "Y'alls sorry asses got two more weeks to go before you head out to your AIT, Advanced Individual Training, and you will be a full fledged soldier in this great United States of America!  Can I get a, "Who-Ah!"," Drill Sergeant demanded.

"Who-ah!  Drill Sergeant!"  We yelled out as loud as we could.

"We are heading out on Bivouac today and won't be back for five days.  And when we return I won't have too much time to talk to your helpless asses.  But let me give you one more important piece of advice.  And remember this one simple piece of advice, after the first one that I informed your asses of.  After, always keep soldiering.  The next one being, never fall in love.  At least not until your soldiering days are finished," Drill Sergeant looked around making eye contact with every single recruit in the room.  "Am I saying, don't get your dick wet.  Fuck no!  I'm saying get your dick wet but don't marry the watering hole.  Because let me tell you lil dicks something that I know.  On the various bases you will either visit and/or live on, the women love them some Drill Sergeants, a strapping man like me.  And while your asses are away, soldiering, I'm going to be in your bed fucking your wife.  Because like I said, they love the drill sergeants.  And I don't turn away no available good pussy!,"  Drill Sergeant Ingram turned to the other Drill Sergeant in the room, "Am I lyin tah these sorry lil dicks Drill Sergeant Marnell?"

"Shit!  They'll fuck Captains, Colonels...but they love us.  Your sorry ass is gone for two to eight months at a time, that hole needs to be drilled on a regular.  Vibrator my ass!"  Drill Sergeant Marnell chuckled and shook his head.

"That's all we got lil dicks.  0900 formation, pack your shit.  We's goin on a trip! Fall out lil dicks!"  Drill Sergeant Ingram commanded.  

"The Pet Rock" And Other Marketing Miracles (continued...) (Thirty-five Years Old, Moses Burnbaum) 2013

The Hell was he thinking, that fuckin Jew.  He knew better than that.  We never talk that way in front of them, gentiles.  And there he was, Honest Goldberg, Mister Holier than thou talking shit to me.  To me! To me?  He knew the fuck better than that.  So I had to check him.

"Honest.  I understand what you are saying.  But please do not speak that way to me.  Please,"  I said.  Not wanting this to happen again.  And what the fuck did he do?

"Or what Mo?  You gonna tell Daddy on me or some shit?  I'm tired of that mother fucker.  He paid your half of this company that we own fifty-fifty.  But I paid my own damn way.  My way.  He can't do shit about me.  This is my shit. My...shit!  Do you understand?  You gotta beef with him, talk to him.  If you gotta beef with me, then I say to you, fuck you!  You fuckin pampered ass Jew!"  Asshole talking like a fucking nigger kike.  What was the fucking world coming to?  The fuck?  Did he just use the "J" word?  And at me no less.  Fuck wrong with him.

So I looked around the room at the other fifteen people in the room, all gentiles, and said, "Everybody get the fuck out!  Honest and I have to have a little pow-wow."  

(...to be continued.)